How to Deal with "Friendly" Criticism

"I really don't think that suits you. Try this one instead!" she remarks, unsolicited, as you put on your favorite dress.

"Don't you worry about your figure? I just want to see you healthy, but you've put on so much weight recently," she mentions, munching on a handful of almonds.

"My hair is such a mess. You must understand- your hair is so frizzy!" She corrects her bangs deftly and sweeps her eyes over your hair.

Do you have a friend that's been sharing a few too many "helpful" comments?
Here's a few tips to deal with the criticism that friends may hand out without much thought.

When? How often?

The first thing is to notice when the criticism comes out. Does your friend only share her opinions when asked? Does she hand out compliments and criticism equally? Or does she often share negative view points without you asking for them?

For example, my floor mates tend to share their opinions, both good and bad. Sometimes it means that I get a surprise hug and outpouring of adoration. Other times, it means that people will give me well-meaning advice about my hair on high humidity days. For me, I don't really mind so long as I know that the observations are just that: facets of me that my friends care about and want to protect or improve. Most importantly, I know that if I ask for the criticism to stop it will.

If the criticism tends to come out unsolicited or on a very regular basis, then you may become bothered by it.

Is this about you?

The next facet is whether these comments are even about you. If they're not about you, then there's really no need to pay them any mind. Negative comments really just reflect on the person saying them.

Here are a few questions that can help you determine if the "friendly" criticism is about you.

• Are these criticisms just a reflection of your friend's insecurities? 

A friend of mine is very insecure about her grades. She worries about them constantly and sees them as a reflection of herself, rather than just being, y'know, test scores. Sometimes when she gets a bad score, she'll draw attention to the low scores other people have gotten. If they're not in the mood to commiserate with her on a low score, she'll use criticism to try and draw people down to her low level of confidence.

Sometimes the way people deal with their weakness is to draw attention that weakness in others. It may help your friend to see that they see as a weakness is actually a normal and common part of other people. However, it may still hurt you to have that part of yourself criticized.

• Is being negative about others a way for her to let off steam when in a bad mood? 

• Does your friend tend to comment on negatives in general?

Some people are just negative. Call them pessimists or realists, but they always find the negative to a situation. These people tend to amuse themselves by putting things down rather than trying to improve.

I'd advise to cut this type of person out of your life. It might seem like a loss to cut this friend out, but really they're just a negative patch that you've grown used to. Sew in something you enjoy and lifts you up. The difference will likely surprise you.

Why does it bother you?

Ask yourself why this bothers you.

• Is this part of a larger conflict with your friend? 
• Is it the frequency that bothers you? Or the content? Or the setting of the comments?
• Are these criticisms prodding your inner wounds? 
• Is your worry for yourself? Or for your friendship?
• How do you feel about these criticisms?

These questions will take a bit more introspection; take your time with them. You don't have to share all the answers with your friend, but dealing with them on your own time will help when you approach your friend.

Now that you know that this is a problem, why it's a problem, and how it bothers you, you can figure out how to deal with it.

How to deal

So the next time the "advice" comes up point it out. It may be that your friend isn't aware of it. Try a neutral statement like these to draw attention without being accusatory:

• Thanks for pointing that out, but I'm okay with that part of myself.
• I'm glad that you noticed that change I made, but I don't feel the need to comment on it.
• I really love that part of me and in others too. In fact, (compliment the other person).
• You're really observant. Thanks for appreciating that.

Realizing that the criticism isn't about you often means that the criticism doesn't bother you anymore. Instead, I focus on helping that person to accept that aspect of themselves. For example, when my friend criticizes my grades, I always respond by saying that grades aren't the thing that defines a person. I refocus the conversation on her relationship with the professor or her fundamental understanding of the information.

After pointing it out a few times, have a conversation with your group of friends about how unnecessary criticism can hurt. If you don't want to be direct, have a ready segway into the topic. If you read magazines, it's easy to find an article about how criticism of women's bodies is hurtful. If you do want to be direct, talk to you other friends and get on the same page about the friend's problematic behavior. 

How to stop it

If the criticism continues after pointing out how it hurts you, then the "friend" needs to stop hurting you.

You may need to have a conversation about the excessive criticism after using these statements, make sure to talk in private. Think about what you have to say. Make sure that you don't respond with negative criticism. 

If this friend continues to comment in a way that hurts you or bothers you, that person may not be much of a friend. Take the time to evaluate the friendship. Is this criticism worth the rest of the relationship? Is cutting off contact the best way to make them stop debilitating?

Motivate Yourself: What is Work?

I think we all have days where we just can't do any work.

But that doesn't mean that day is a loss. Sometimes you can trick yourself into getting "work" done. Other times you just need to realize how much work you're already doing.

I'll share a few tricks for getting yourself into getting stuff done when your body just won't cooperate.

Set the mood

Often the reason I can't get work done is because of a bad or lazy mood. To deal with a lack of motivation, let's first qualify what it means to get work done. There are all sorts of tasks that need to get done in a day. Some of them are chores; others are complex creative tasks; others are matters of routine. Some relaxing but necessary tasks we don't even consider when making our to-do lists: showering, eating, cooking, taking a moment for breathing. But all of these things need to happen in a day.

It seems ridiculous to de-value the things that have to get done. Without going grocery shopping and cooking food, you'd starve. Shouldn't that make those tasks the most important part of your day?

Do chores

I find that the reason I can't focus on a large academic "important" task is because I've allowed too many of these "little" chores pile up. In that sense too we can see that everyday chores are important and part of getting work done. Without keeping up on chores and self-care, we can lose our motivation for larger tasks.

Try out these physical chores with the intended mental goals in mind.

• Cleaning your room
• Refocus and de-clutter your mind
• Open up your windows to let in sunlight
• Brighten your outlook
• Wash and dry dishes
• Drift on what you need to do
• Throw away old lists and papers
• Prioritize the things left 
• Empty the trash can
• Let go of baggage
• Do laundry
• Focus and pacing

Pacing

Work is not sitting in one place for hours and hours. The Social Network might show us people "plugging in" for hours at a time, but most people don't work this way. The human body isn't designed to sit in one place for a long time; cramped and tired out is usually the end result of this type of studying and work. So don't study in a way that physically saps motivation and sets you up to fail!

Study to your body's needs and personal habits

Most people can only concentrate on a task for 45 minutes which is about the time a load of laundry takes. After a block of time concentrating, take a break to do a physical activity to pump your body back up and keep yourself from getting tired. This will help your motivation.

Summer Internship Start!

Yesterday, I had my orientation for my summer internship. I posted about getting the internship earlier in my End of Term post. The tl;dr version is that I have a 6 week unpaid summer internship with the Smithsonian American Art Museum. I'll be working in the Public Office; I can't wait to work out the details of the projects that I'll be helping with.

Read more for the preparation that I put into the orientation.


They sent us an email about dress, making sure to keep it professional. I wanted my first outfit to show that I took this seriously while following their rules for dress code. But I also wanted to show my coworkers that I had a sense of style. So here's what I was wearing and carrying with me:

Do you like that everything is in cool colors? I can't seem to help myself! I always end up getting blue and green things.

Earlier in May, I made a large purchase of spring semi-professional clothing. I assumed that the internship would expect attire that respected the summer heat but maintained professional standards. I got this particular dress from Marshalls. It had a large stain on it so it had been marked down; it was great for me since I hemmed the dress, cutting off all evidence of the stain.

This is the purse I recently got for the internship. I didn't think that any of my day purses were large enough or professional enough. I wanted to have a larger purse for carrying paperwork and supplies that still looked professional-cute. I'll likely do a post on the purse, reviewing it and saying how it holds up to a week or two of use.

Here's what I packed inside of it:

• Folder for requested information
• Notepad and planner
• Tea (not shown)
• Pencil case
• Phone
• Mini make up case

I'm so amazingly thankful for my summer internship. I can't wait to share with you all the things that I learn. I worked hard to make a good impression and I hope that it paid off.

Rousseau: Life to the Fullest

Understanding the education is preparation for life, we can now figure out how to embrace that life. Sometimes it can be very difficult to create an approach to life that allows you to embrace the moment. Hearing peers anxiously talk about grad school in their freshman years or professors drone on about the impenetrability of academia can make it seem like life takes place in stretches of decades rather than days. But your life is made of days!

Fortunately, there are great minds who have already written about the focus on the day to day life, and the benefits to embracing daily joy. Let's look at a quote from Rousseau, on of the great thinkers from the 18th century. His writings on education will help us to better understand what an effect positivity can have on us, as we approach our life and our education. 

Read more for wisdom on embracing your day!

You can read the first part at Rousseau: Education to the Fullest.

Let's continue with the Rousseau quote and finding a way to embrace the day to day.

The Quote

"We think only of preserving his life and limb. It is not enough; he ought to be taught how to preserve them himself when he is grown up; to endure the shocks of fortune, to bear riches or poverty, and to live, if occasion required, amid the snows of Iceland or on the burning rocks of the Malta. [...] It is of less moment to preserve him from death than to teach him how to live. To live is not merely to breather; it is to act, to make proper use of our organs, our senses, our faculties, and all parts of our being which contribute to our consciousness of life. he has not had most life who has lived most years, but he who has felt life the most. A man may be buried a hundred years old and have died in his cradle. Such a one would have gained by dying in youth if had lived till then." (Rousseau on Education, Introductory Passages from the "Emilie," Part 2. Education and the state)

Education as a Lifestyle

Education is about the here and now. Put in your very best into every aspect of what you're learning. Reach out to professors and jump at opportunities. Education isn't about sitting back in a lecture hall and letting it happen to you. Education is an action, one that requires persistent effort from all of our faculties. Sometimes it's tiring; you may feel like you're putting yourself out there, asking "stupid" questions or sending out applications that others wouldn't dare to try for. But that's an education!

Reaching out for knowledge and passion from your education is your education. Even when your hand falls short, you've gone farther and learned more than the people who didn't dare to reach.

Embracing the Moment

It's very important to focus on living life in the moment. I think that what makes each day valuable is appreciating the small moments. Enjoy every day and take advantage of the opportunities that the small times present. Even if it's just having dinner with a friend or finishing a book that seemed to take forever to get through, these are valuable achievements and memories. Your life isn't just major events or waiting for the next "big thing." Instead of putting off adventure, embrace it. Heck, go out there and create it! Certainly there will be failures, not everything is an exciting success the first time. Those failures are opportunities to laugh and learn, a skill which will serve you well as life changes constantly.


Don't wait for a perfect moment to start living; that moment doesn't exist before you put effort into creating it. 

How to Politely Skip Class

There are always going to be days where you don't want to go class. Sometimes it's that you're tired; other times the weather is bad. There are ways to keep skipping class from being a major hindrance. The most difficult thing is making sure that the professor doesn't mind. Most classes have clear policy on attendance. Of course in attendance based classes skipping will have an effect on your grade. Even if attendance isn't part of the grade, showing up to class is important. Carefully judge whether skipping class is worth it. To be fair, I skip a class about once a month. Usually, I take the time to catch up on sleep or studying.

In the cases that you decide skipping class is worth it, here's a good guide to politely skipping class.

you are not subtle with excuses

If there isn't a legitimate reason to skip class, don't make up a reason. Lecturing professors have heard it all before, easily sorting honest reasons from lame excuses. While you may think a late night of DODA can be covered for with "a family emergency," your prof will probably be able to see through you.

Don't make an excuse. If you feel the need to approach the professor, just earnestly apologize for missing class and ask if there's anything you can do to make up the work. If you plan to miss class, ask a friend to take good notes for you and email the prof asking for the work you'll miss.

legitimate reasons have paper trails

For legitimate reasons to miss class, get a paper trail. If you're very sick, go to the doctor. Although this might be a pain, a doctor's note can be turned in to your professor to excuse an absence. As silly as it might be, an email from your parents describing the family difficulty can turn a recalcitrant professor into a sympathetic mentor. If you go to a GRT or other dorm staff for help due to drama that's really affecting you, ask that person to email your professor. While they may not be a grand authority, their word holds more weight than yours on its own.

Check to see if your school has a department or office for students experiencing difficulties. For example, students with crutches or arm braces can go to the Office of Disabilities to get transportation to and from class and class note takers, respectively. Or a student dealing with exam anxiety can go to Student Support Service to request more time on an exam or a separate room for test taking.

safe skip: the lecture after an exam

This is a favorite lecture of mine to skip, especially since I'm usually still tired from studying for the exam. A portion of the lecture is "wasted" going over the exam results . I say waste since most classes post solutions to exams online and the next office hours are dedicated to answering questions on the exam. The start of new material is very important as it is the base for everything else, but it's also the easiest to learn. So I find this to be an overall decent lecture to miss.

leave at break

If you show up for class but feel the need to leave midway through, the best time to leave is at the break. If there's no break, try to aim for a natural pause in discussion or speach. This is something that should be saved for the worst most desperate case as most professors will notice and may even take you leaving personally.

do not leave if exodus

Some lectures suffer from a large mass of people leaving all at once. In the case that a group of people are leaving, don't join them. Staying on the day that the class is nearly empty is equivalent to telling the prof that you value their class. Professors notice your presence then more than ever.

Positivity: Education to the Fullest from Rousseau

Walking through the Infinite, I'm always amazed by the project posters and the chatter of discovery that surrounds MIT. I love the feeling of excited and frenzied exploration that permeates the people, the very buildings.

But there's something that makes me a little anxious: the concept of a technology education  Some of my peers see their time here as a way to gather up data points to store and recite for accolades. Others see technology as unequivocally good, unquestioning of the pursuit of knowledge and a fancy career. And there's always the disparaging of HASS, class that focus on the humanities. I can't count how many times have I been told that "readings for HASS classes are optional" or that "there's aren't any jobs in that; it's useless."

Something has changed about the way we approach education. We seem to see education as a decoration for our resume rather than a way to see the world.

(image via stephenhicks)

Read more for Rousseaus' vision of education as a way to impact individuals.

Education for Society

Let's look to a quote from Rousseau's writings on education. Please consider that all of your life is an education, a preparation for the next day to come and a way to prepare future generations with the wisdom you have gained. When Rousseau wrote of education, he wrote of education as the process from childhood that would structure and prepare young people who would form society. Always, he thought of the effect education would have on the society as a whole, a society in line with the ideals of antiquity. 

Ideal Education

Rousseau had the idea that education should return to the earlier style of the Romans, removing children from theoretical academics (which he saw as useless ego stroking) and instead allowing young people to pursue their interests whole heartedly and with lots of hands on experience. He wanted to grant poor students scholarships that would be proudly awarded. Education was meant to enrich people morally and mentally, always a tool rather than a decoration.

Education included the mind and body. Physical education and a connection to nature were very important to Rousseau; he felt that competitive and group athletics in the outdoors would improve students and their communities. Rousseau thought that the whole community should gather to honor athletes and encourage young people to work together in sports. This would build the community and help people to see their ideals of leadership, sacrifice, and cooperation in action.

The Quote

"We think only of preserving his life and limb. It is not enough; he ought to be taught how to preserve them himself when he is grown up; to endure the shocks of fortune, to bear riches or poverty, and to live, if occasion required, amid the snows of Iceland or on the burning rocks of the Malta. [...] It is of less moment to preserve him from death than to teach him how to live. To live is not merely to breather; it is to act, to make proper use of our organs, our senses, our faculties, and all parts of our being which contribute to our consciousness of life. he has not had most life who has lived most years, but he who has felt life the most. A man may be buried a hundred years old and have died in his cradle. Such a one would have gained by dying in youth if had lived till then." (Rousseau on Education, Introductory Passages from the "Emilie," Part 2. Education and the state)

Meaning and Focus

Let's focus on the first section of the quote:

He ought to be taught how to preserve himself when he is grown up; to endure the shocks of fortune, to bear riches or poverty.

This is not what our college education does! That's not even how most people approach education!

Most people approach education as a way to get a well paid career or as a marker of the upper middle class. But really education should be so much more than that. Think of the great Greek thinkers: Plato and Socrates certainly wrote, debated, and educated for the young men of the elite. But they spoke to these men with questions, in order to change society and to give these men the means by which to live and find their own understandings.

Rousseau is suggesting the same thing: education should prepare young people for life with a style of thinking rather than a collection of datums.

Education's purpose isn't to make money or a sparkling career. Education has the purpose of preparing us to live our lives regardless of money. An education is supposed to make us consider the role that money plays in our lives. A good education should give us a sustainable approach to life, one that we can live in the ups and downs of life.

Because there will always be ups and downs, education should teach us how to ride life; no number of degrees can protect us from uncertainty or fragility.  

In the next section, we'll turn to the second part of Rousseau's quote.

Classroom Etiquette

One of the most important things for college is the new code of etiquette for college lectures. It's very different from high school but still important for making sure that your professor has a good opinion of you.

Here's my guide to lectures and college classes, how you should behave in lecture. The advice will go through cellphones, bathroom breaks, sleeping and more.

• going to the bathroom

At my high school, we had passes to go to the bathroom. It was very embarrassing: students had to get the teacher's attention and signature in a pass book to go to the bathroom. Even worse, for each class, you were only allowed to go to the bathroom twice a semester. 

Fortunately, college lectures allow you to go to the bathroom whenever you want. It is of course preferable to go before or after class, but in the case of emergencies it's easy to slide off during a lull. Many professors even have a mid-lecture break if allotted more than an hour. 

In my mind, there's no shame in needing to use the bathroom and I don't much care if students or professors judge me for drinking lots of water and then needing to use the restroom. Your body needs what your body needs.

• eating and drinking

Eating is really up to the professor. Some professors will make clear at the start of class their policy on eating, especially if it's verboten. Most don't mind students drinking water or coffee during a morning class along with a quiet granola bar. Evening classes tend to be quite lax about food policies, often expecting students to eat. For example, my Monday evening class goes from 7 pm - 10 pm so the professor told us on the first lecture that food was alright.

I'd personally suggest something you can pick up and put down while taking notes. As always, try to eat quietly without making a mess. Nachos for example are a bad idea: loud and messy salsa. Foods without strong odors are considerate of the people around you. 

• sleeping

Of course you shouldn't be sleeping in class. But we all have moments where we dose off during a particularly dull lecture due to a late night cramming. 

If you expect to be falling asleep, consider skipping the class. There's nothing to be gained from sleeping through a lecture; it may even reflect worse on you than missing one lecture. If you decide to attend and sleep through, sit in the back of the class. There's nothing worse for you and others than being the student snoring in the front row. 

If you absolutely don't want to fall asleep but may fall to temptation, have a friend or seat mate periodically tap you to wake you up. It may be a little embarrassing to ask a stranger sitting next to you for a favor, but that embarrassment may also keep you from falling asleep.

• cellphone

Put your cell phone on silent during lecture.

Let me repeat that: Cell phones should be on silent during class.

This isn't high school; no one's going to confiscate your phone. But everyone will turn to look at you, especially if you have a hilarious song for your ring tone.

Personally, I suggest putting your cell phone on your lap during lecture so that you can check the time without loudly rummaging through your bag. If the professor has a no cell phone policy, turn your phone off and leave it in your bag to totally minimize the temptation. 

• laptops

Most professors have a clear policy on laptops. If they're allowed, try not to drift off topic while using them; some professors will walk around the room in order to get a view of your laptop.

If laptops aren't allowed, they're really not allowed. Don't bring them. 

• late/leaving

If you are entering late or leaving early, try to do so respectfully. If you know in advance, send the professor an email before the lecture to apologize and explain. If it's just a case of sleeping in, enter the room quietly and accept the fact that you may have to settle for a seat in the back. If you need to interrupt other students' view or the position of the lecturer to get when you need to be, wait until a natural pause. 

For important reasons to leave, pack your bag quickly and quietly. Often it's easier to dump everything in your bag and reorganize outside of the lecture hall rather than deal with the dirty looks from students trying to take notes.

Unlike high school, it's normal that you have other commitments and most college classes don't take attendance. There's no need to feel terrible for a few late entries or early leavings so long as you are considerate of others. Most likely a professor won't remember the one time a student shows up late so long as there wasn't a scene. Don't sweat it. Just be polite.

• chatting

Whisper. To. The. Person. Next. To. You.

Stop talking when lecture starts. There's nothing that professors hate more than not being able to start their lecture on time because of people obliviously chatting. Take note of the time and quiet down when lecture is supposed to start; it's for your own good to make sure that the prof gets through all the material. I've had a few professors who have put material that wasn't covered in lecture on exams because they blamed chatty Cathys for not making it through the information in class. Don't be that kid.

Do not yell to the person across the room. Don't pass notes. Don't constantly text. These are the other things that professors notice.


If you have questions, you are super welcome to comment so that we can share our experiences and advice.