Set the Tea for One: Living on your own

[caption id="attachment_392" align="alignright" width="300"] Tea and tea pot with cookies and honey on a black kitchen tableLiving on your own[/caption]

I think some people find it really intimidating to live on their own. Personally, I looked forward to every inch of independence I've gotten.

• I was glad that no one would chastise me for refusing to make my bed in the dorm.


• I was glad to have fewer people (and to some degree fewer messes) when I was sharing a flat.


• Living on my own, I am glad for every moment and choice I can make on my own terms in my own apartment.

I want to share some thoughts about living on my own. Certainly, I'm enjoying it. I recognize that there are pros and cons to living on your own. I hope that my sharing my perspective and view of the benefits and costs can help others have a better view of what they are getting into.

Difficulties

When you first start living on your own, all of a sudden you have space - time and silence - to yourself. The first week or two I both reveled and dreaded sitting down to eat alone. Even if you love peace and solitude, too much time to yourself can be a strain. A friend of mine who had also moved off campus called me and asked, "Do you get lonely? Being alone?"

Part of this is what you are immediately comparing your new situation to. Living with just you (or even a single roommate) is not like living with 10 other people on a floor. You may be disappointed to find that your friends don't come over as often. Remember that you are comparing the amount of time you spent together when you lived together without much choice VS someone coming over to where you live on your invitation. 

Also, if you were the sort of person who always needed to be talking to someone, swapping clothes between your roommate's closet, being comforted by a friend - you may not like living alone. Maybe you come from a big family and have never really been alone. Or maybe you love the sense of community. You may need someone to be there with you; there's no shame in realizing that you want to live with other people.

But don't forget how irritated you got when someone was using the shower when you wanted it!

Benefits

There is so much less mess. I just can't. I can't even list all the less. There are fewer dirty dishes, fewer times to empty the trash, less unwanted noise. Less competition to use the TV. Less of all the little irritants.

You know what's yours. If you leave something out, you know you did it. If you want to have Bravo playing all day long, you can listen to bickering over NYC housing all day long. If your bathroom is gross, it's because you didn't clean it; if you want to leave your stuff out because it's just faster in the morning, you won't be bothering anyone else. If there are take out left overs, you know you can help yourself. If you want to keep all your stuff a certain way, you can because it's your stuff in your place.

The quiet is also good because, at least for me, it pressures me to do what I need to do. In the dorm, there was always someone to talk to, someone's mess to clean, something to do that wasn't really mine. There were an infinite number of ways to feel productive without doing my work. Living alone there is just my work to be done and the silent pressure of my own guilt to get going on what I need to do.

Useful Tip

• Set out a tea for yourself once in a while. Do the whole thing: tea pot, snacks, favorite mug, the 'good' honey. And then just enjoy your own company for a little while. Change the context of being alone to being restfully appreciative of yourself.


• Talk to the staff in the building. I can't emphasize this enough - get to know the landlord, concierge, cleaner, whoever you're going to see every morning. Say 'hello' and 'goodnight.' Say 'thanks' and if you feel comfortable talk to them about their weekend. Baseline: be nice and don't ask for more than your fair share. Bonus: be nice and get to know them. Suddenly everything seems friendlier and homely when you know someone else who you really do rely on so much.


• Invite people over before you feel lonely. Let people know that they can drop by and make them feel welcome when they do. Sit on your couch with a friend and just silently read. Struggle with your friends over game controllers and the last slice of pizza.

Domestic Abuse & Activism

It’s periodically apparent to me that a lot of people have no idea how the police/legal systems deal with domestic abuse, be it spousal or child. I’m saying this as someone who went through the court system multiple times regarding being a victim of child abuse.

People don’t get that going to the cops once doesn’t magically make the abuser powerless or go away or anything like that.

In fact, going to the cops is likely to have the cops dismiss your abuse and then once they leave have the abuser escalate their violence. Male cops are twice as likely to commit dv abuse than the national average - so really you’re calling someone who likely sympathizes with your abuser.

As the National Center for Women and Policing noted in a heavily footnoted information sheet, "Two studies have found that at least 40 percent of police officer families experience domestic violence, in contrast to 10 percent of families in the general population. A third study of older and more experienced officers found a rate of 24 percent, indicating that domestic violence is two to four times more common among police families than American families in general." Cops "typically handle cases of police family violence informally, often without an official report, investigation, or even check of the victim's safety," the summary continues. "This 'informal' method is often in direct contradiction to legislative mandates and departmental policies regarding the appropriate response to domestic violence crimes." Finally, "even officers who are found guilty of domestic violence are unlikely to be fired, arrested, or referred for prosecution." (via the Atlantic)

Even if the cop means well, there are pretty strict limitations on what they can constitute as abuse for an immediate arrest. I would also point out that there can be racial and class markers for who gets arrested. A black man is persecuted by the police while a white abuser may not face the threat of arrest. Anyone who has read "To Kill a Mockingbird" would be aware of this sort of racial targeting where even an innocent black man make take the blame for a white abuser.

Domestic violence activists, therefore, must also challenge the racism endemic in our criminal justice system. (by Miriam Ruttenberg)

End even if you get a good cop and a good case and the right abuser where it’s going to be taken seriously and taken to court, it’s going to take a long time for the whole thing to be processed and the abuser can still continue to stalk, harass, and threaten you  until then. Especially if you have any sort of shared ‘property’ like a pet or child they’re likely to be targets.

The key result was that victims were 64 percent more likely to have died of all causes if their partners were arrested and jailed than if they were warned and allowed to remain at home. The death rate was much higher among African-American victims than among whites. (via the crime report)

For example in my DFS case, even if you have a good case of abuse and your abuser is supposed to follow a court set program, maybe no one follows up on the case and you’re still stuck with your abuser who now knows that you are trying to leave. so the violence and isolation increases. The court system is designed to return a child to their home, with minimum standards met; I felt in grave danger of being returned to a place a neglect with penalties for trying to leave.

"Actually a survivor leaves an average of 6-8 times and each time she leaves, the violence can often escalate. Women who leave their abuser are at higher risk (75% greater risk) of being killed than those who stay. Either staying or leaving the abusive relationship poses risks to her safety. A survivor that stays in the relationship oftentimes is strategizing the best time and safest time to leave." (via Building Futures)

Even those abusers who are caught and forced to go to treatment by the police and legal system may not change their vviolent behavior.

One example: There are as many as 2,500 "batterer intervention programs" around the nation. Shawna Andersen of the Massachusetts Parole Board reviewed all the research literature and concluded that there is no evidence that sending an abuser to such treatment is better at preventing future violence than no treatment at all. (via the crime report)

I trust women to protect themselves as best they are able. I do not trust cops to protect women; I expect cops to sympathize with abusers.We need to acknowledge that the current system is set up with the racist policies of the police and the violent goals of the prison industrial complex. Activism regarding domestic abuse - spousal or child - needs to be about providing women safe spaces away from their abusers and the abuser class (men). Women need to trust women's experiences with abuse to know how to best keep themselves save; women need to open their homes, hearts, and ears to provide support and resources to women who are seeking refuge and support due to domestic violence.

Experiencing the Insurmountable: Progress

First, I'm getting back into the swing of things.  This semester has been a bit difficult, not because of the course work, but because I'm dealing with difficulties. At last, I'm not playing mother or otherwise being giving my energy to others who don't have their life in order. Of course, that means that finally I am forced to attend to my own injuries and needs. No small task. 

Now, a lot of things are changing in my life. I'm trying to get a handle on difficulties that seem insurmountable. Some of this process is invisible, a mental and emotional labor that I can't clearly convey to others. Other parts are very straightforward: an endless slew of appointments, consultations, meetings, medications, and discussions. While I have been working on these issues for years, I am only now seeing some of the major changes. In some cases, this means a problem is gone. In others, by removing the problem of a cheap vermeer, we can see some underlying problems.

So, I'm trying to take responsibility for who I am and becoming who I want to be. Culling out bad habits to make room for improving my skills. Taking care of myself is so much of this growth. I am amazed by how much more comfortable I feel in my own skin since last spring. Truly: draw out the poison in your life. 

Therefore, I do of course want to share this experience through this blog. I am amazed by how long I've been blogging and the readership I have. While it's small on the scale of the internet, it means a lot to me. I want to capitalize on that. I am making some changes about the blog, as such.

Going forward, I'll be updating both here and on my blogger blog. I think I'll be updating once a week on this blog as I make some of these changing. I don't want writing here to be a laborious chore nor do I want my quality to fall in order to meet a self-imposed deadline. I'll still be posting a mix of advice, life experience, and thoughts.

Really, I do have some amazing projects and posts queued up. I want to express some of the ideas that have been floating in my mind for so long. I don't know how to tell you everything that I envision and wish to work on creatively. I feel like taking a bit of a leap of faith to create this.

Collection of advice for interns

Sorry that this is kind of an unorganized info dump. I wanted to post this so I can refer back to it and also because the information is SO useful!

http://jezebel.com/dear-new-intern-dont-be-the-intern-your-fellow-intern-509124948

Chasmosaur100Kaizykat

6

I had a volunteer internship at the Smithsonian when I was in college. There was an official program at the time (not sure about now), but living in NoVa and being a Geology major, I simply called one of the Natural History departments the summer after my freshman year and asked if anyone needed a volunteer college student to help out. And this is the part where I'm going to concede my experience is different than those who apply through official programs...the ones who applied and competed to be there. And were paid a pittance to be there. But all the other stuff - getting the experience, hoping to work there eventually - all that still applied.

Since I didn't get paid like the other interns (something I sense is rare now - the payment part that is), I didn't let myself become a doormat from the get go. I was very clear that I worked evenings in my summer job, so I could be at the museum between X a.m. - Y p.m. on A, B, and C days of the week. It made it clear that it wasn't I didn't want to spend more time there, but I was volunteering and still needed to make some green. And since I wasn't getting a parking permit, either, I had to take the Metro, so my schedule needed to be respected.
The scientists I worked with were just so happy to have some student labor - labor that was happy enough to do the routine stuff that was in many respects a waste of their time but needed actual in-person attention - they were absolutely fine with my requirements. And when I was there, I listened, learned fast, and did exactly what was asked of me.
But I was still me - I spoke my mind (politely), and made a few jokes here and there. I didn't really gossip because a lot of the work they gave me had me in closed labs, so I was usually out of the flow of things. (Memorably closed the day they had me using huge amounts of rubber cement to make a microphotography photomosaic...for 3 hours... ;) ) But I ate my lunch in the break room and got to know people. So much so that two other scientists claimed me to work in their labs when I ran out of things to do for the first scientist who took me on.
I parlayed that first phone call into a really solid relationship with several staff members, simply by setting my boundaries and doing exactly what they asked me to do. I was happy to learn and be exposed to some seriously awesome stuff - I felt that was enough. And when I applied to graduate school, I had multiple glowing recommendation letters on Smithsonian letter head - they helped push me to the top of several programs, despite coming from a good school, but an uncelebrated one. (And as a bonus, one scientist took me on a three-week research trip with his team the summer before my senior year - really advanced field work most college students don't get to do. It was awesome.)
You don't have to be a doormat. But you do have to understand that as an intern, you are there to do entry level work, and otherwise just look around and ask intelligent questions based on your observations. You are not there to change the company, and you are the lowest person on the totem pole. Doesn't matter if you're the top of your class - I was where I went to school, and it meant precisely jack shit in that environment. (Well, it did mean I was smart enough to understand what these professionals were saying, or to ask the right questions when I didn't, that's about it.)
And if you think they really are just walking all over you and actually being unfair, then you gain some knowledge, too...what to look for in a future workplace. Because you will better be able to observe office politics, even at a glance, or hear what's going on underneath any conversation you have with your interviewers.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-harke/unpaid-internships_b_2194272.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/her-campus/5-things-you-must-do-befo_b_3536410.html

http://www.internqueen.com/blog/2013/04/art-networking

http://www.internqueen.com/blog/2012/07/3-ways-spend-down-time-your-internship

http://www.youtern.com/thesavvyintern/index.php/2013/06/26/6-tips-to-get-the-most-from-a-summer-internship/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brazen-life/rock-your-next-internship_b_2279096.html

http://www.levoleague.com/career-advice/how-make-most-of-your-summer-internship/

Update & Return

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last writing.

I have now gotten through my first month of my last year at MIT. What a strange contrast! I have a full load of classes. A lot of reading and writing to manage along with a lab class.

I have settled into my new apartment and am happily living alone, closing a strange saga of dorm-apartment life. Well, I say alone, but my little fluff is always here. She has also adapted to her new home.

[caption id="attachment_380" align="alignleft" width="219"] My cat lying on the floor (rather than one of her beds) with 3 of her toys placed on her side (and another in the background)[/caption]

I am also working in the Wunsch Conservation lab. I'm extraordinarily grateful to have the opportunity to watch the book and paper conservators there work magic! Really, I would encourage everyone to explore some of the treasures that the MIT Libraries have treasured away. I will share how a small thing turned into such a great work connection!

Of course, I also have my struggles. These struggles have made it difficult for me to write here. The transitions with moving and starting the course work are very stressful for me - as life is, with one stress comes a whole handful. There has been drama about closing out the summer; there is drama about getting to know a new set of people in the fall. I don't know how to describe the worries that I have, emotionally, based on my past, and now looking forward at graduation. I don't know if I'm ready to share them in a coherent way here.

I would like to keep writing here, being candid with you and creating a space where I share and support improvement. I know that I will have ups and downs. There will be times where it may seem impossible to me to be able to sit down and share what I am going through. But I would like to try. Because writing here is I think about careful self care and accountability.