Break

I quite obviously haven't posted in the past two weeks. Reasons.

But I wanted to come on to say

Happy New Year's!

I'll be back to posting soon, I think.

Where is the offense?

(this video, this tumblr post for gif)

It is not offensive to call someone racist or sexist. 

In our culture, the default is racist and sexist. It should not be offensive to be told the truth, that you grew up in a culture that encouraged bigoted thoughts and behavior because those benefit a hurtful system of power. Even though I exert a lot of effort to educate and improve myself, I know I am racist and sexist - I am saying as a mulatto woman. We all internalize negative messages, even about ourselves. The work of unpacking is unending. We can't stop before the work begins because we're offended. We can't stop because it's hard because it's harder to be the recipient of these harm from these systems of power.

People are called racist or sexist based on their behavior. As long as the problematic behavior is pointed out and the reason/basis for the problem is explained, that call out is valid. 

For example, a while ago, a friend of mine called me out for the way I was blogging about the Sochi Olympics. I didn't understand why at first. I was defensive; I explained why I thought that what I was doing was right. But also I listened to what she said; I asked how I could respect her and her culture. I didn't leave seeing everything the way she did, but I sympathized with her position - I did my best to relate her experience to my experience to understand where she was coming from, why she was hurt. I asked questions about why what I wrote was a problem. Once I understood, I apologized. I thanked her for trusting me. I changed the way I spoke and wrote about the topic.

Of course, I'm still going to mess up, but I'm trying. I didn't deny that the way I acted was harmful. Instead, I changed my behavior so I wouldn't be harmful in the future. I hope that our friendship grew because of talking about this.

Call outs are not about silencing. Call outs are usually meant to be the start of a conversation. One doesn't passively receive a call out nor does one stop talking because of a call out. As I said, I asked why what I did was wrong or hurtful. The call out was part of a conversation: a conversation I needed to listen to and engage with about the topic. Of course, the person who was offended is not responsible or required to engage with you. If they ask you to google it or refer you to other resources, that's still about talking and listening to those specifically educational sources. We aren't offended by out teacher's saying "You are wrong." We listen to our teachers and correct our error. Nor do we require everyone to be a teacher all of the time.

Mthembu highlighted the need to engage in open dialogue about race, despite the potential discomfort. [...] In order to have these vital conversations, Mthembu explained, “We have to allow for mistakes and forgive each other.” (MIT Black Lives Matter event)

Call outs are helpful, educational, trusting. If I am calling someone out, it is because I think they can change their behavior. Often, I only call out people who I care about, people I trust enough not to be violent or hurtful. I call people out because I think, Surely this person wouldn't want to hurt me, surely they'd care enough to change their behavior. Someone - a friend, colleague, activist - has invested time and effort to bring a matter to your attention, likely a matter that they care about and affects them. A call out is supposed to instigate deep thinking: Why was this wrong? How can I improve?

Of course, most times this is not the response. People become angry or defensive.

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8xJXKYL8pU[/embed]

They say 'I'm not! I didn't mean it that way! You know I'd never!'

'It's not helpful to call people racist. Surely you've messed up before'

'Why can't you just accept different opinions? Why are you so angry, aggressive, worked up, sensitive?'

A call out is not about any of those things. Some people think that call outs are a call to censorship. But they are not. They are a call to consideration and respect; we have all learned from an early age to express ourselves carefully and with consideration for others. We do not blurt "I want that now! Mine!" We do not throw things to express our anger. We don't cuss at people when we are upset with them. Hopefully. Similarly, we must learn how to empathize and respect people in the way we speak, write, and act.

Arrogant Girls' Club

[caption id="attachment_479" align="alignnone" width="418"] Jenny Holzer, My arrogance knows no bounds and I will make no peace today, and you should be so lucky to find a woman like me[/caption]

Imagine our Amazonian future. Enjoy your vision, visage, victories. Know that loving yourself as a woman – connecting with our history – exploring our witches’ strength and creativity – know that this like all women’s work is real. (via Aria)

Ferguson: More on Rioting

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v-Pd62hq0w[/embed]

BLACK LIVES MATTER

you don't understand what i'm talking about

BLACK LIVES >> PROPERTY

Ferguson Protests

My friends and I went to one of the protests against the failure to indict Darren Wilson, the murderer of Mike Brown. We ended up being photographed by the Tech. Since Wednesday, there have been national peaceful protests. In addition to protesting the failure to indict the murderer of Mike Brown, our government has failed to indict the murderer of Eric Garner, a murderer who used an illegal chokehold and had his crime caught on camera. It's an absolute perversion of justice to think that black people can be extra-judiciously murdered. I am so proud and honored to be part of a movement to stop racial violence in the country I call home.

[caption id="attachment_473" align="alignnone" width="300"] It me![/caption]

i remember my mother telling me about the white dismissal of justified anger and grief in dc over the gov't sanctioned murder of MLK. While I am proud of my actions, I am sad that I may have to recount my own stories to future generations of young black women. I have written about my white passing privilege before. I feel that it is my responsibility to speak, write, and act in solidarity with black people, my people. The call 'white allies to the front,' strangely enough, applies to me. I do not want to be the face of this movement, but I want to utilize my resources to help protect black lives from institutional - specifically police - violence. We remember and we'll keep on dreaming!

On Facebook, people seem comfortable airing out their unsolicited racist opinions. Some such gems include:

People who are protesting should actually learn about about the situation and how rioting might not get them anywhere but cause more aggravation and riots itself

and

I'm sorry, but i think it's a little far to claim that it is a "burden" to be black in America.

and

1000s of lives, homes, and property have been destroyed in these riots! how terrible

While it is not the responsibility of black or minority people to deal with this sort of blatant ignorance, I have generously taken the time to address some of these concerns.

A Reality of Kindness

All of these statements go against factual evidence. They also go against my personal experience, of the kindness, peacefulness, and empathy exhibited by the protesters in Boston. The national protests have been non violent protests, including marches, die ins and boycotts.

Chief O’Neill said the protesters [in NYC] had not prevented ambulances or other official vehicles from responding to emergencies during the first two nights of demonstrations. No sick person, or civilian with a health emergency has been unable to get help, he said. (via Ny Times)

Protesters have moved to allow ambulances through in NYC. Protests have been attended by children. Protesters have carried injured people to safety, caring for those hurting from tear gas. Furthermore, protesters in Ferguson have tried to peacefully engage with police while helping injured people. In response, they were attacked with tear gas! Who is being violent here? The people carrying an injured woman? Or the people using military grade weapons?

Police fired tear gas at a crowd of protesters who were carrying an apparently unconscious woman to safety during violent clashes in Ferguson on Monday night. (Daily Mail)

Ferguson has often been described as a site of violent riots. While there are sensationalist titles like "Fires and looting at businesses as violence overtakes protests over no indictment in Ferguson," the reality is far less frightening and violent. The description of violent riots is not the reality, not in Ferguson and not nationally! Even the sensationalists have to admit

A short time later, Brown's family issued a statement asking people to keep their protests peaceful (via Fox News, Fires & Looting)

The protesters, an organized political movements, have consistently regulated their own behavior. When people were getting too amped up at the protest I attended, people would begin to chant "This is a peaceful protest" or urge once-strangers to calm down. I linked arms with black women who chastised their male friends for getting aggressive; I was ushered through the throngs by caring men when I told them I had been split from one of my friends; I was offered homemade food by an elderly couple. I was awed by the kindness and concern exhibited by the protesters in Boston; our protest was a gathering of empathetic people who were grieving a national loss of life and justice. Certainly the protest I attended was not every protest, but I don't think you can dismiss the 1400 people who protested in Boston that night nor the students who walked out of class Dec 1. Protests are groups of large people, thousands of people. It's impossible to control the actions of everyone, but protesters are doing their best to keep everyone level headed and in line with a standard of non violent behavior.

Property Damage

it's a disingenuous lie to claim that homes or lives have been destroyed.

Again, let's look to the location that's been described as a site of violent riots:

1 As news of the decision spread, protesters surged forward, throwing objects at officers in riot gear. The sound of gunfire could be heard. 2 Police officers used tear gas and smoke to disperse people who were hurling rocks and breaking the windows of parked police cruisers. A vehicle was set on fire.3 At least a dozen buildings were set on fire around the city, many in the vicinity of Ferguson Market and Liquor, the store Michael Brown was in before he was killed by Officer Wilson. (via Ny Times)

As the Ny Times explains, there have been instances of property damage. With the exclusion of privately owned cars, all property damage has been of either police property or commercial buildings. No private homes have been destroyed. While cops claim to have heard lots of gun fire, I cannot find any news coverage of serious injuries or deaths. So no deaths; no homes destroyed. Just property that was probably insured.

Causation: Was it even protesters?

Returning to the idea that protesters have called for non violence and peace, I wonder: did protesters cause these fires? The Klu Klux Klan has made their presence in Ferguson known, by threatening to use lethal force against protesters. The KKK also has a history of terrorizing black people by setting fires. Racist white people have a history of setting fire to black communities and businesses, as in the Tulsa Riots that destroyed the prosperous Black Wall Street. In those riots, white people killed at least 30 black people in addition to destroying what would now be $30 million in property damage, including the black hospitals.

At around 1 a.m., the white mob began setting fires, mainly in businesses on commercial Archer Street at the southern edge of the Greenwood district. (via Wikipedia)

Other sites have started to connect the KKK to the burning of Mike Brown's church. The KKK is entirely unlike the kind and empathetic people I met at the Boston protests. The KKK's members find joy in bombing churches, killing little children, and inflicting pain on black people. They incite and encourage violence in order to protect white supremacy; they pervert justice and lack empathy. Isn't it more reasonable to think that a violent hate group with a history of setting fires is responsible for fires in Ferguson? Rather than blaming protesters who have explicitly called for peace?

More so, police have been using tear gas canisters and smoke bombs. Both are known to be flammable.

Officers responded by firing what authorities said was smoke and pepper spray into the crowd. St. Louis County Police later confirmed tear gas also was used. (Fox News)

To counter the crowds, local police have attempted to use the same techniques that security forces use around the world, including tear gas, bean bag rounds and wooden bullets. [...] In Ferguson, MO, police have attempted to disperse protesters using smoke bombs – fireworks that generate smoke after ignition. (Al Jazeera)

Although modern smoke grenades are designed not to directly emit fire or sparks, they remain a fire hazard (Wikipedia)

A report distributed today by an Idaho State Fire Marshall shows that tear gas was the source of a house fire on July 12, 2006.  The canister first ignited the fabric covering and foam cushions of a couch in the residence (KHQ)

A video has surfaced of para military appearing individuals starting a fire at one of the confirmed locations, an Auto shop. These individuals are clearly not normal protesters. To ascribe their isolated and unsanctioned actions to the movement is very disingenuous.

Many people who were comfortable airing their uninformed racist assumptions suddenly fall silent when confronted with the deluge of evidence that protesters at the national level have been peaceful.

Moralities of Protest

The Rosewood Massacre was a racially motivated attack on African Americans and their neighborhood committed by a white mob in Florida during January 1–7, 1923. The town of Rosewood, a majority-black community, was abandoned and destroyed in what contemporary news reports characterized as a race riot (with the implication blacks had broken out in violence (Wikipidea)

Unfortunately, our country has a history of violence targeting black simply because they are black. At the same time, white mob violence targeting black communities is often ascribed as being the fault of black people. As if somehow one could provoke a lynching! As if the murder of black people could ever be justified! This tendency of whites to blame blacks for white violence is a historical reality that we must confront and dismantle, brick by brick, word by word. While some people would like to forget about our history of racial violence, that sort of forgetting is a support the dominant narrative of racial inequality. These sorts of narratives are violent and dangerous. I feel that it should be morally clear why you shouldn't blame black victims of racially motivated violence.

It’s depressing that we’re still dealing with these issues, but most of us are on the right side of history. Most of us. (Vanity fair)

I'd never that claim property damage is worse than the possibility of our nation approving of extra judicious murder due to the victim's race. Equating 'property casualties' to the loss of lives, especially black lives in this context, is particularly callous. Black people are not chattel or property. We cannot measure black lives against property values.

[Stop] the senseless killing of young black voters across the United States by law enforcement. (Hands up united)

At no point can individual acts of protest measure up against the injustices and violence of institutions. Even if these acts of property damage are ascribed to black people, the anger is justified! There are clear constitutional and moral protections for the right to assembly and the right to self defense. As members of DGR have wisely written, "Every resistance victory has been won by blood and tears, with anguish and sacrifice." We need to use short and long term strategies and tactics to disrupt the systemic police violence that is actually killing hundreds of civilians and incarcerating us when we flee or try to defend ourselves.

As a black mulatto person, as a woman, as a member of DGR, as a empathetic person, I feel that I cannot be silent or complicit. I urge people to take action to change the messed up violent politics that approve of killing black women and men, children as young as twelve, and that try to measure our value against cop's cars. 

Summary

• Property damage is nothing in response to the extra judicious killing of a man


• Unclear if these were caused by protesters or from other groups such as the KKK


• Smoke bombs and tear gas canisters used by police can cause fires


• Black lives >> property


• What about the national non violent protests? 

Agency: It's the Soul that needs the surgery

In one of my classes, we were talking about agency as it related to gender and the hierarchy of gendered behavior, performance, and capacity. In particular, women performing masculinity in order to have access to male dominated and male coded jobs. One female student mentioned that she and her friends had debated about what to wear to a career fair - skirt or pants - and the requisite cost toward being taken seriously, getting the job. We just went in pants, she muttered at the end of their considerations. Pretty hurts.

At a minimum, a feminist theory of agency must explain how it is possible for women in male-dominated societies to live in ways that reflect their genuine needs and concerns, and it must explain how it is possible for women to develop critiques of sexist social and political institutions and to mount active resistance. Moreover, it must accomplish both of those tasks without pretending that people are capable of stepping outside their own socially determined viewpoints to attain a God-like perspective. (via britannica)

I replied that while we might technically call the ability to choose between these "agency," we can't expect either of those options to increase women's agency, the availability of more choices. In fact, both choices reinforce the hierarchies of gender within capitalist competition; they decrease women's agency long term. So in this sense, her conflict and choice was certainly not political nor efficient resistance. And to me agency is tied up in political resistance. The personal is political. Of course some personal choices are act of resistance, but theory must acknowledge the agent who access these choices. Agency describes not only the set of options that we are able to consider due to our socialization, but also those options that are made available to us by our leverage of capital and privilege over a field that is set against women and especially women of color. 

Agency requires a well-developed repertoire of skills in self-discovery, self-definition, and self-direction.(via britannica)

Your sense of agency within systems of power is based on utilizing your privilege to the best of your advantage, to convince the systems of power to over look your Otherness, to reinforce the system with the fractures of your bones growing back in the shape of the dominator. As long as you move within the field of dominance-submission masculine-feminine, you are increasing the strength of that field and its rules, no matter how you move through it.  Of all the privileges I have utilized to make it here, what's one more? and certainly one such as whether I wear pants or earrings to appease an interviewer's buy-in with femininity. That's not where my work lies. 

There is no denying that there exist dispositions to resist; and one of the tasks of sociology is precisely to examine under what conditions these dispositions are socially constituted, effectively triggered, and rendered politically efficient. [...] Often forget that the dominated seldom escape the antinomy of domination. for example to oppose the school system, in the manner of the British working class 'lads' analyzed by Willis (1997), through horseplay, truancy, and delinquency, is to exclude oneself from school, and, increasingly to lock oneself into one's condition of dominated. On the contrary, to accept assimilation by adopting school culture accounts to being coopted by the institution. The dominated are very often condemned to such dilemmas, to choices between two solutions which, each from a certain standpoint, are equally bad ones (the same applies, in a sense, to women or to stigmatized minorities) (via The Purpose of Reflexive Sociology, Pierre Bourdieu and Loic J.D. Wacquant)

Again women, the dominated, the Other, must continue to define agency - our possible actions and resistance - in terms of biophilic creativity and possibility. Look through the fallic fallacy: patriarchs construct us to see our agency in this limited meaningless way.

But it is seeming to me that race (together with racism and race privilege) is apparently constructed as something inescapable. And it makes sense that it would be, since such a construction would best serve those served by race and racism. Of course race and racism are impossible to escape; of course a white person is always in a sticky web of privilege that permits only acts which reinforce ("reinscribe") racism. This just means that some exit must be forced. That will require conceptual creativity, and perhaps conceptual violence. (via White woman feminist at Feminist Reprise)

Agency is violent resistance. Agency is not thoughtless or reckless. Agency is not exerted when you perform normative behavior. Agency is not tested when there are no sanctions for your choice. Agency is mute when you voice and reverberate in the chorus of existing power structures. (Note the phallic thefts: how Bourdieu attempts to give credit to the dominators for activating our work and resistance and erase how in reality dominators actively suppress resistance. Ha! Witches' work is ours and ours alone.)

I do not see how relations of domination, whether material or symbolic, could possibly operate without implying, activating resistance. The dominated, in any social universe, can always exert a certain force, in as much as belong to a field means by definition that one is capable of producing effects in it (if only elicit reactions of exclusion on the part of those who occupy its dominant position). (via The Purpose of Reflexive Sociology, Pierre Bourdieu and Loic J.D. Wacquant)

Agency is the tears you share when you listen to your friend who was raped. Agency is the weight of a mattress on campus, the lawsuits and the threat of expulsion.

Agency is the threat of arrest and death at a legal non violent protest.  Agency is the pain of a rubber bullet during a media lock out. 

Agency is Strange Fruit and agency is singing at the Lincoln Memorial.

Agency is how much you're willing to give up to make a point.  Agency hurts, but pretty hurts too. Agency is not easy, painless, or quick. It's slow and it hurts and you've got to think long and hard about what you do, what you're risking, the worth of your impulse towards life and liberty. Agency is the pain of learning to unbind your feet, your heart, your mind and learn how to stand again. Agency is the joy of finding yourself outside the field of cruelty, the beauty of standing with your sisters.

I'm talking about when you put your body and your mind on the line and commit yourself to years of struggle in order to change the society in which you live. (Andrea Dworkin, via DGR)

Self Perception and Male Violence

This post is basically in conversation with this amazing article at Feminist Current on the rhetoric around male victims of violence. All quotes unless otherwise sourced are from that article. I hope that by being in conversation with this article that I can better understand it and share some insights with you.

Women overestimate their own use of violence but underestimate their victimization. Woman normalize, discount, minimize, excuse their partners’ domestic and sexual violence against them. Women find ways to make it their fault.

To be feminine is to be a good victim, at best a willing victim. Refusal to comply with femininity is seen as violent, an abnormal act of defiance. It's a double bind: if we comply with femininity, we are submitting to male violence. If we resist femininity and male violence, men will target us for even more violence as a corrective political control. In this way women are encouraged to underestimate what we suffer through; it is our "natural" place to suffer. Of course, femininity is not our natural place. Women are not natural subjects to male violence. Men have created a system of indoctrination and conditioning young women to accept male violence as natural. The first model for domestic abuse is the abusive father.

The effect of fatherhood on females is to make [women] male -- dependent, passive, domestic, animalistic, insecure, approval and security seekers, cowardly, humble, `respectful' of authorities and men, closed, not fully responsive, half-dead, trivial, dull, conventional, flattened-out and thoroughly contemptible. Daddy's Girl, always tense and fearful, uncool, unanalytical, lacking objectivity, appraises Daddy, and thereafter, other men, against a background of fear (`respect') and is not only unable to see the empty shell behind the facade, but accepts the male definition of himself as superior. (via Solanas' SCUM Manifesto)

Masculinity is about being at the top of the gender hierarchy and maintaining this position through dominance, violence, and intimidation towards women. Males conditioning women to expect and accept male violence keeps these systems alive. Gaslighting techniques are common necrophallic techniques, especially in long term domestic abuse. 

He blames you for the impact of his behavior.
He becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in sex with him, he says, “you must be getting it somewhere else.” (p. 126) (via Is it really ABUSE?)

Interacting systems normalize male violence, allowing males to describe their own violence as invisible, dismissing their cruelty as inherent and finding resistance a notable aberrant. Remember this beautiful Lierre Keith quote - "Masculinity sexualizes acts of oppression." It is because of this that we can create parallels between all systems of male violence: they rely on the same operating system of metaphors. That legal systems would exacerbate the invisibility of male violence while also displaying and sexualizing the victims becomes obvious.

In contrast, men overestimate their victimization and underestimate their own violence (Dobash et al. 1998). Men are more likely to exaggerate a women’s provocation or violence to make excuses for initiating violence and, where retaliation has occurred, in an attempt to make it appear understandable and reasonable.

Again, men are perpetuating a system in which male violence may be used to "correct" and dissuade female resistance. Refusal to conform to femininity and be available to men is considered provocation for male violence. Even if the woman is a girl; even if the man is a stranger.

Earlier this week a man in a car pulled up next to a 14-year old girl on a street in Florida and offered to pay her $200 to have sex with him. [...] The girl said no. So what does this guy do? He reaches out, drags her, by her hair, into his car, chokes her until she blacks out, tosses her out of the car and then, not done yet, he runs her over several times.  Bystanders watched the entire episode in shock. [...] This was an incident of street harassment taken to extremes. (via huff post)

I relate this example because it demonstrates the entitlement that all men feel they have to all women at any moment. The intersection of the pornification and male entitlement is the extreme violence of this case. Note, also that bystanders did not interfere - men support this violent punishment for refusal; women fear being caught in the extreme correctional violence. Women to are witness to what happens when you attempt to boycott men. Normalized male violence is a form of political control. 

Paul Keene, used the defence of provocation for his killing of Gaby Miron Buchacra. His defence claimed that he was belittled by her intellectual superiority and that he lost control after rowing with her by text over a twelve hour period. That a jury accepted his defence is a further example of how men’s violence is minimized and excused. Not only by men and the women they assault, but by the legal system.

Again, these forms of gas lighting transverse male systems of power in order to make women doubt their own perceptions of male violence. Purposefully, men blind women to the hollowness and cruelty behind the facade of normalcy. They do so with well documented attacks on women's personhood and sense of self.

• He denies what he did.
  A non-abusive partner might argue with you about how you interpret something he did; an abuser denies his actions altogether (p. 128).


• He justifies his hurtful actions or says you “made him do it.”
  Here the abuser is using your behavior as an excuse for his own....He says he’ll stop some form of abuse if you give up something that bothers him, which is usually something you have every right to do (p. 128). (via Is it really ABUSE?)

The right to claim abuse as a mitigating factor in domestic violence homicide cases was vitally important for women like Kiranjit Aluwahlia, Emma Humphreys and Sara Thornton, all of whom had suffered years of violence and abuse at the hands of the men they killed. That such a defence could be used in Paul Keene’s case only illustrates how differently women and men who use violence are treated.

Note again, the difficulties these women are going up against.

• The abuse they faced is erased by the legal system


• The abuse they faced is erased by their abuser


• Their abuser utilizes gas lighting to prevent the movement to self defense


• Women's self defense is seen as abnormal and excessive


• Women's self defense faces higher penalties than the initial abuse


• The gas lighting technique is amplified by male systems of power

A radical feminist perspective, based on an understanding of socially constructed gender roles and differences within the framework of patriarchal society does not mean that all men are violent to women, or that men are genetically pre-disposed to violence. It means the opposite. It means that women and men are socialized and that – within the limits of choice permitted by the social environment – we can choose to be different.

What's Owed - NOTHING

Every time women take time to care for themselves, to foster sisterhood, we are assaulted by pleas for our attention.

Feminists have for years created safe spaces for women, expanded the rights of women, and decried male violence. Women stand forefront to expand the protection for victims of male violence. In improving the lives of women, women allow each other to give more to our communities. Men may even gain some periphery benefits; destroying the toxicity of gender hierarchy would cure many ills for male and female victims of male violence. But our women's work, energy, is our own and hard won at that. 

Consider for example male violence in terms of rape: Women created our definitions of marital rape, statutory rape, date rape, and expand definitions to include more forms of non consensual sex as rape. Women continue to expand these definitions in order to offer protection to victims of male violence. Feminists do this to protect each other from male violence as the threat of rape is a prevalent form of political terror men use over women; women incidentally created a protection for male victims of male rapists.

“There is nothing inherently wrong with trying to improve the conditions in which battered women live,” Meyer argues, “but when putative efforts to just 'make it better' become the end goal, the political vision and motivation to address the real exegesis of male violence becomes sublimated... The political disappears and domestic violence becomes a naturalized part of what appears to be an unchanging or unchangeable social landscape.” (Meyer 2001, p. 23). (via disloyal)

Feminist action is political action; the personal is political. Preventing and penalizing male rapists is part of a coherent political strategy taken on with women's time and energy. Men continue to rape despite women's work. 

When women speak out regarding men raping women, we are told to care about male victims. Of course we already do and provide significant resources to male victims. Biophilic, we give support to all life by existing, by combating the necrophallic, by creating networks of life and growth. We created legal protections, crisis lines, shelters, and support for those battered and abused by men. It is because of our women's work that they have any claim to legal protections and do not face assault for 'buggery/sodomy' - yes, male victims coming forward have been convicted with buggery. And yes, feminists are doing the work of undermining this homophobic violence perpetuated by men and the male justice-penal system.

What this does is conflate rape with consensual relations and conflate the sexual abuse of a child with sex between adults. Ultimately it sends the message that it is the homosexual nature of the act that is offensive/egregious/illegal rather than the rape of a child. (via Feminist Conversation)

Women are already taking on so much to fight against male violence, putting ourselves at risk to protect ourselves. The energy we already give to male victims is never enough. Our critics tell us that feminists must fix the problem of male rapists, that we are not focusing enough on male victims.

This argument/critique relies on a few premises:

• Women must fix the problem of men raping men


• Women must engage with men


• Women have power to engage with and change male systems of violence


• Women, having limited resources, must give those resources to men


• Women must limit the resources we give to women in order to attend to men


• Men are not being called on to act or change their behavior


• Men are currently neutral in regard to male rapists

Laying out these premises, I hope that to a feminist the flaws are obvious. Women are systemically disenfranchised from systems of patriarchal power; women's energy is sapped and the labor-value produced devalued and stolen by men; men are responsible for their own violence. Men value male rapists; masculinity values violence and dominance especially over women; rape culture is pervasive and encouraged in male-only spheres.  It becomes obvious that our critics are seeking to undermine our political power by diverting our energy back to men. Women in no way required to attend to men, clean male messes, or even speak to men. We do not owe them our polite smiles or our spiraling energy. 

When we look closer at our critics we find that male victims reap privileges of their maleness even as they face homophobia. (Remember: lesbians are the victims of sexist homophobia; men are still men.) Really, go read this whole article for the take down on the lies told about male victims. Being the victim of rape is terrible and deserving of sympathy and support. No feminist doubts this. So. Why do critics feel the need to exaggerate and outright lie about male victims?

‘It’s harder for men to report, there’s much more of a taboo for men’

Exactly the opposite:

• men are more – not less – likely to call the police


• men are more likely – not less – to press charges


• men are less likely – not more – to drop charges (Kimmel 2002)

Another way to get round the issue of unrepresentative reporting is to look at who gets killed, dead people don’t get the choice of whether or not to inform the police. UK Homicide records between 2001/2 and 2011/12 (11 years) show that on average 5.7% (296 total) of male homicide victims and 44.2%(1066) of female homicide victims are killed by a partner or ex-partner. Expressed as an average of those killed by a partner or former partner over 11 years, 22% were men, 78% were women.

Note, the domestic homicide figures do not tell us the sex of the perpetrator, nor is the sex of the perpetrator revealed for all other types of homicide. Men are overwhelmingly killed by other men – regardless of the relationship between victim and perpetrator. Women are overwhelmingly killed by men – regardless of the relationship between victim and perpetrator (via feminist current)

I would take this moment to point out another example: the theft of black women's energy in both the civil rights movement for the black vote and the female vote. I hope to write a more extensive post on this to give it the due attention deserved. Black women, and women of color, do not owe men or white women our energy. 

Remember freedom before femininity. Imagine our Amazonian future. Enjoy your vision, visage, victories. Know that loving yourself as a woman - connecting with our history - exploring our witches' strength and creativity - know that this like all women's work is real. You don't have to justify your work or yourself. You have value inherit, not because what you give or give up. That worth is not tied to men.

Anything less than everything from women will never be enough for men. Give them nothing. 

Unpacking, Unwrapping - Expanded

I wrote last about unpacking internalized issues of discrimination. I will give an expanded explanation for why I put this work as primary.

First, I find that it is important to have a coherent theory and logical framework before taking action. It seems to me that you must understand yourself, the system and also your place in the system in order to take effective action. If you don't carefully read about and question the way things are, you won't know the first step to efficiently changing our current system-society.

Now, when I talk about a resistance, I am talking about an organized political resistance. I'm not just talking about something that comes and something that goes. I'm not talking about a feeling. I'm not talking about having in your heart the way things should be and going through a regular day having good, decent, wonderful ideas in your heart. I'm talking about when you put your body and your mind on the line and commit yourself to years of struggle in order to change the society in which you live. -Andrea Dworkin (via DGR)

Second I do recognize the barriers to the "appropriate" or "real" types of activism. It is necessary to understand these barriers and create streams of action that are accessible to all women. As a scholarship recipient, I am aware of the risk involved in protest that leads to arrest in a way that other students -literally- can afford to be blind to. It's well know that black and other minority protesters face higher degrees of violence, penalization, and judgement in their activist work. I was truly touched by the comment that poor women of color write poetry as activism rather than academic novels not due to a lack of talent but a lack of resources. Therefore I do not feel comfortable relying on or valuing these forms of activist work over others that are more accessible. I refuse to reinforces these hierarchies of work value and accreditation. 

Over the last few years, writing a novel on tight finances, I came to appreciate the enormous differences in the material demands between poetry and prose. As we reclaim our literature, poetry has been the major voice of poor, working class and colored women.  A room of one's own may be a necessity for writing prose, but so are reams of paper, a typewriter, and plenty of time. The actual requirements to produce the visual arts also help to determine, along class lines, whose art is whose. In this day of inflated prices for material, who are our sculptors, our painters, our photographers? When we speak of a broadly based women's culture, we need to be aware of the effect of class and economic differences on the supplies available for producing art. (Audre Lorde, 1981, 116)

Third, these hierarchies are rife with the same value judgments I hope to dismantle. Again, returning to the example of poetry writing: refusal to write academic papers may be about focusing on the narrative and emotional, keeping our theory open to all women. Providing space and comfort to women is valuable in and of itself. It does not need to be valued in the wage-hour or productivity; we do not produce for an overseer or for blind pursuit of individual profit. Internal emotional work is not less valuable because it is associated with the feminine. A focus on the gynocratic women's community is not to be devalued because it refuses to mix with the patriarchal private/corporate political.  

Finally, I emphasize this personal unpacking because it has fundamentally changed me. It is valuable in itself. Women deserve the time and respect to make peace with themselves. WE do not owe anyone our time, energy, loyalty, blood. We may open for ourselves, weaving out truths of our hearts. Penelope need not weave for her husband nor unwind for her suitors. Arachne may weave for her herself, in resistance and self love. She need not justify herself to patriarch Zeus or handmaiden Athena.

Little Plant Problems

So I really like to have plants. I wanted to give you (and myself a little break from all the feminism writing. It's not that I find feminism to be bad or difficult to talk about, simply that I insist on keeping space to recognize moments of love and growth. As much attention given to male violence, twice as much should be given to female growth and creativity. For me, a big part of that life giving in my daily home routine is taking care of my plants. 

[caption id="attachment_188" align="alignleft" width="300"] Plants in the window of my dorm room.[/caption]

Since being in the dorm, I've always had an assortment of plants growing around my room, usually right in front of a sun lit window. It was great to see little seedlings grow up to be big plants. I'm always amazed how quickly things can take root and start giving off tendrils of life. At the end of each school year, I would leave my just-grown plants in the care of a friend who would at some point over the summer manage to kill my plants. I did feel a little bad, but I couldn't take them home with me either so I figured they had a good if short life.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="224"] My cat posing with the a few of the plants I had.[/caption]

Once I got my cat, I was chagrined to find that I needed to give up by beloved hydrangeas and a few other plants that I liked to grow or have cuttings of.  But still I persisted and grew cat safe plants. My cat didn't seem to mind them much; I on the other hand adored my plants. In my apartment now, Prilla will sit in confusion and watch me as I groom, prune, and water my plants occasionally swatting at an offending snake plant tendril. I adored seeing the plants grow and prosper along with the little routines of pruning dead leaves and dusting the slowly growing african violet.

When I moved out of the dorms, my flat mate and I both inquired about having plants in the little alcoves in front of our windows. We grew a few herbs right in our kitchen window for eating, but one plant from Whole Foods introduced aphids to the whole lot of them. We shuttled our plants outside and left them to the elements. Since Cambridge has warm plant-supportive summers, our plants did quite well. And the outdoor plants had no pet-safe restrictions so I could have any old type of plant I wanted.

[caption id="attachment_422" align="alignleft" width="300"] A mix of housemate and my plants.[/caption]

When I was moving out, things were totally crazy rushed. Possibly on poor advice, I left most of my plants in the window alcove and didn't bring them to my new apartment. The only plants to make the trip were the herbs and my african violet.

[caption id="attachment_424" align="alignright" width="217"] The plants in my new apartment[/caption]

In my new apartment I have a new set of plants, mainly basil, rosemary, a long time african violet and a spider plant that has given me many many more baby spider plants. Like really, I am growing so very many baby spider plants. I got a little brass spritzer (which I can also use for art projects). A fair number of my containers are just re-used plastic containers. But the plants don't mind and neither do me nor the cat, so I think it's just fine.

I also have grown wheat grass for my cat since I got her. She really likes the wheat grass, but doesn't pay attention to any of the other plants. I read that spider plants can have an effect like cat nip on cats, but she wasn't interested in my spider plant. As far as my plant eating habits, I have been taking trimmings of the rosemary and the basil. They're very cost efficient. And taste delicious!

Where is the little plant problem? Well, I have gotten fungus gnats. I don't know where they came from! I did have my window open but I am up very high. Maybe one of the new plants had them? Apparently I've been overwatering my plants and have gotten these irritating little gnats at a noticeable level. I've been reading up on them and there are conflicting words about them. Some say they simply eat the fungus and dead plant material while others warn that they can mess with the plants root system. Either way, I want them gone! My cat has done her bit to help, carefully tracking their movements and attempting to catch one or two in her mouth. However, her efforts are mainly futile. I don't think I've seen her ever actually catch one of the bugs.

My current plan is

• water the plants less often to dry out the evil bugs


• water the plants with water and dish soap solution to kill the bugs


• monitor to see if there are fewer bugs


• once few bugs, repot the plants in clean containers

So today I gave them a healthy dose of water with dish soap solution and sprinkled some cinnamon on the soil to control fungus. Once the supplies arrive, I will carefully repot the plants. Some of them I will put in shallower containers to there is not as much water sitting below.

To be fair, I probably need to repot the one's I've had for a long time anyway. I never really properly potted my plants.  I just ordered a bunch of things since I finally took the time to read about how you're supposed to pot them. Especially now that I want to disperse my plants around the apartment, I realize I need to take good care of their health and presentation.

Unpacking & Unwrapping - Justified

I am taking steps to improve my life. It is an extraordinary amount of work. My mental and physical health have received so much love and energy from feminists. I feel such a connection and support from other women and it motivates me to keep going. Part of improving my life is carefully considering the foundational assumptions of the culture - and gender - I live in.

Unpacking your cultivated assumptions is difficult, even painful. You may be giving up a lot of cultural capital and privilege that you've worked hard to gain access to. Imagine the woman who grew up with corsets, dependent on the instrument that smothers her to hold up her back. Slowly, she loosens her corset bindings; she may even need another woman to help her as the lacings are on her back and out of her own sight. She's likely mocked by her peers that used to compliment her small waist. She's told that women need the support and structure of the corset; the argument may even sound convincing as she first begins to use her atrophied back and core muscles. That's what it's like. So I would like to acknowledge the work and labor that goes into this unpacking, unwrapping. 

Some of the damage can't be undone. We can't remove all of our indoctrination and upbringing. The corset can stunt and distort the growth of the ribcage - those bodily effects will remain with the woman even after she gives up the corset's binding. The effect of this indoctrination of gender is permanently embodied. It's slow and painful work to accept the distortions and maiming left behind but also to construct new ways of working and living that allow us to do what needs to be done.

Constantly I am asked what I'm doing whenever I talk about feminist issues, especially those of black women - the onus of burden on the resistor.

• What protests did I attend?


• What articles have I written?


• What classes have I taken?


• What sacrifices have I made?

I refuse to answer those questions. I point to the unpacking I have done and that I encourage other women to do. Unpacking myself, educating myself, and creating my own spaces to do so - this is women's work and women's work is valuable.

Once and for all I will answer these questions.

Every day of my life is a protest because I am a woman of color from the foster care system who is not in prison or homeless. Every day of my life is a protest against white male power, as I use the resources that my male counter parts greedily take for granted and I refuse to give my time and energy to men. Each time I speak with a woman of color, with lesbian, bisexual, and sexual women, with young women, with frightened women, with poor women - each conversation and encouragement is a protest. Each movement away from violence and destruction is a protest of the instability of patriarchal consumption of women and the world we inhabit.

I have written many articles for many classes. I have been recognized for my academic achievements by the standard bearers of patriarchal regard. I stand on my academic achievements at a premiere university as a student of culture, anthropology, archaeology, and art history. I study hard and take my academic work very seriously. I have for several year now been training in the theory and criticism of structures of society. I have tried to focus my studies on revealing the methods by which these systems convey their ideologies and perpetuate themselves, in art and other aspects of material culture.

I have done years of traditional service. I briefly worked for the Public Service Center at my university. I have hosted events with the Office of Minority Education for students in my dorm, focusing as always on the women I lived with. I have hosted female prospective students; I have given tours to female prospective students; I have served as an advisor to male and female students. I have done (and gratefully received) service through the Children's Defense Fund including working in their Freedom Schools in a homeless shelter in D.C. Earlier in high school I was involved in many service activities including four years of continuous service and activism for Friends of the Occoquan.

You see - I have considerable capital in the "right ways" to be an activist. I could justify myself by calling on the traditional gate keeping to activism. I could even turn these same questions against the person who seeks to silence me. Because always these questions come up when I stand for women and women of color. But! I do not see the point in pitting women against each other. As Mary Daly insightfully points out, women should not adopt necrophilic behaviors such as self flagellation over who has sacrificed more for the cause. We do not need to starve ourselves to be Mother Teresa in serve to the Patriarch - not only is her life deprived of joy but her activism is hollow of gynocentric life giving energy. My work is not better or worse than other women's work based on the rubric of fitting these male models. I, biophilic, deserve a right to speak simply because I am alive as a woman. My creative pursuits are valuable and valid. My work must analyzed on the basis of its life giving, its support, its love.

Set the Tea for One: Living on your own

[caption id="attachment_392" align="alignright" width="300"] Tea and tea pot with cookies and honey on a black kitchen tableLiving on your own[/caption]

I think some people find it really intimidating to live on their own. Personally, I looked forward to every inch of independence I've gotten.

• I was glad that no one would chastise me for refusing to make my bed in the dorm.


• I was glad to have fewer people (and to some degree fewer messes) when I was sharing a flat.


• Living on my own, I am glad for every moment and choice I can make on my own terms in my own apartment.

I want to share some thoughts about living on my own. Certainly, I'm enjoying it. I recognize that there are pros and cons to living on your own. I hope that my sharing my perspective and view of the benefits and costs can help others have a better view of what they are getting into.

Difficulties

When you first start living on your own, all of a sudden you have space - time and silence - to yourself. The first week or two I both reveled and dreaded sitting down to eat alone. Even if you love peace and solitude, too much time to yourself can be a strain. A friend of mine who had also moved off campus called me and asked, "Do you get lonely? Being alone?"

Part of this is what you are immediately comparing your new situation to. Living with just you (or even a single roommate) is not like living with 10 other people on a floor. You may be disappointed to find that your friends don't come over as often. Remember that you are comparing the amount of time you spent together when you lived together without much choice VS someone coming over to where you live on your invitation. 

Also, if you were the sort of person who always needed to be talking to someone, swapping clothes between your roommate's closet, being comforted by a friend - you may not like living alone. Maybe you come from a big family and have never really been alone. Or maybe you love the sense of community. You may need someone to be there with you; there's no shame in realizing that you want to live with other people.

But don't forget how irritated you got when someone was using the shower when you wanted it!

Benefits

There is so much less mess. I just can't. I can't even list all the less. There are fewer dirty dishes, fewer times to empty the trash, less unwanted noise. Less competition to use the TV. Less of all the little irritants.

You know what's yours. If you leave something out, you know you did it. If you want to have Bravo playing all day long, you can listen to bickering over NYC housing all day long. If your bathroom is gross, it's because you didn't clean it; if you want to leave your stuff out because it's just faster in the morning, you won't be bothering anyone else. If there are take out left overs, you know you can help yourself. If you want to keep all your stuff a certain way, you can because it's your stuff in your place.

The quiet is also good because, at least for me, it pressures me to do what I need to do. In the dorm, there was always someone to talk to, someone's mess to clean, something to do that wasn't really mine. There were an infinite number of ways to feel productive without doing my work. Living alone there is just my work to be done and the silent pressure of my own guilt to get going on what I need to do.

Useful Tip

• Set out a tea for yourself once in a while. Do the whole thing: tea pot, snacks, favorite mug, the 'good' honey. And then just enjoy your own company for a little while. Change the context of being alone to being restfully appreciative of yourself.


• Talk to the staff in the building. I can't emphasize this enough - get to know the landlord, concierge, cleaner, whoever you're going to see every morning. Say 'hello' and 'goodnight.' Say 'thanks' and if you feel comfortable talk to them about their weekend. Baseline: be nice and don't ask for more than your fair share. Bonus: be nice and get to know them. Suddenly everything seems friendlier and homely when you know someone else who you really do rely on so much.


• Invite people over before you feel lonely. Let people know that they can drop by and make them feel welcome when they do. Sit on your couch with a friend and just silently read. Struggle with your friends over game controllers and the last slice of pizza.

Domestic Abuse & Activism

It’s periodically apparent to me that a lot of people have no idea how the police/legal systems deal with domestic abuse, be it spousal or child. I’m saying this as someone who went through the court system multiple times regarding being a victim of child abuse.

People don’t get that going to the cops once doesn’t magically make the abuser powerless or go away or anything like that.

In fact, going to the cops is likely to have the cops dismiss your abuse and then once they leave have the abuser escalate their violence. Male cops are twice as likely to commit dv abuse than the national average - so really you’re calling someone who likely sympathizes with your abuser.

As the National Center for Women and Policing noted in a heavily footnoted information sheet, "Two studies have found that at least 40 percent of police officer families experience domestic violence, in contrast to 10 percent of families in the general population. A third study of older and more experienced officers found a rate of 24 percent, indicating that domestic violence is two to four times more common among police families than American families in general." Cops "typically handle cases of police family violence informally, often without an official report, investigation, or even check of the victim's safety," the summary continues. "This 'informal' method is often in direct contradiction to legislative mandates and departmental policies regarding the appropriate response to domestic violence crimes." Finally, "even officers who are found guilty of domestic violence are unlikely to be fired, arrested, or referred for prosecution." (via the Atlantic)

Even if the cop means well, there are pretty strict limitations on what they can constitute as abuse for an immediate arrest. I would also point out that there can be racial and class markers for who gets arrested. A black man is persecuted by the police while a white abuser may not face the threat of arrest. Anyone who has read "To Kill a Mockingbird" would be aware of this sort of racial targeting where even an innocent black man make take the blame for a white abuser.

Domestic violence activists, therefore, must also challenge the racism endemic in our criminal justice system. (by Miriam Ruttenberg)

End even if you get a good cop and a good case and the right abuser where it’s going to be taken seriously and taken to court, it’s going to take a long time for the whole thing to be processed and the abuser can still continue to stalk, harass, and threaten you  until then. Especially if you have any sort of shared ‘property’ like a pet or child they’re likely to be targets.

The key result was that victims were 64 percent more likely to have died of all causes if their partners were arrested and jailed than if they were warned and allowed to remain at home. The death rate was much higher among African-American victims than among whites. (via the crime report)

For example in my DFS case, even if you have a good case of abuse and your abuser is supposed to follow a court set program, maybe no one follows up on the case and you’re still stuck with your abuser who now knows that you are trying to leave. so the violence and isolation increases. The court system is designed to return a child to their home, with minimum standards met; I felt in grave danger of being returned to a place a neglect with penalties for trying to leave.

"Actually a survivor leaves an average of 6-8 times and each time she leaves, the violence can often escalate. Women who leave their abuser are at higher risk (75% greater risk) of being killed than those who stay. Either staying or leaving the abusive relationship poses risks to her safety. A survivor that stays in the relationship oftentimes is strategizing the best time and safest time to leave." (via Building Futures)

Even those abusers who are caught and forced to go to treatment by the police and legal system may not change their vviolent behavior.

One example: There are as many as 2,500 "batterer intervention programs" around the nation. Shawna Andersen of the Massachusetts Parole Board reviewed all the research literature and concluded that there is no evidence that sending an abuser to such treatment is better at preventing future violence than no treatment at all. (via the crime report)

I trust women to protect themselves as best they are able. I do not trust cops to protect women; I expect cops to sympathize with abusers.We need to acknowledge that the current system is set up with the racist policies of the police and the violent goals of the prison industrial complex. Activism regarding domestic abuse - spousal or child - needs to be about providing women safe spaces away from their abusers and the abuser class (men). Women need to trust women's experiences with abuse to know how to best keep themselves save; women need to open their homes, hearts, and ears to provide support and resources to women who are seeking refuge and support due to domestic violence.

Experiencing the Insurmountable: Progress

First, I'm getting back into the swing of things.  This semester has been a bit difficult, not because of the course work, but because I'm dealing with difficulties. At last, I'm not playing mother or otherwise being giving my energy to others who don't have their life in order. Of course, that means that finally I am forced to attend to my own injuries and needs. No small task. 

Now, a lot of things are changing in my life. I'm trying to get a handle on difficulties that seem insurmountable. Some of this process is invisible, a mental and emotional labor that I can't clearly convey to others. Other parts are very straightforward: an endless slew of appointments, consultations, meetings, medications, and discussions. While I have been working on these issues for years, I am only now seeing some of the major changes. In some cases, this means a problem is gone. In others, by removing the problem of a cheap vermeer, we can see some underlying problems.

So, I'm trying to take responsibility for who I am and becoming who I want to be. Culling out bad habits to make room for improving my skills. Taking care of myself is so much of this growth. I am amazed by how much more comfortable I feel in my own skin since last spring. Truly: draw out the poison in your life. 

Therefore, I do of course want to share this experience through this blog. I am amazed by how long I've been blogging and the readership I have. While it's small on the scale of the internet, it means a lot to me. I want to capitalize on that. I am making some changes about the blog, as such.

Going forward, I'll be updating both here and on my blogger blog. I think I'll be updating once a week on this blog as I make some of these changing. I don't want writing here to be a laborious chore nor do I want my quality to fall in order to meet a self-imposed deadline. I'll still be posting a mix of advice, life experience, and thoughts.

Really, I do have some amazing projects and posts queued up. I want to express some of the ideas that have been floating in my mind for so long. I don't know how to tell you everything that I envision and wish to work on creatively. I feel like taking a bit of a leap of faith to create this.

Collection of advice for interns

Sorry that this is kind of an unorganized info dump. I wanted to post this so I can refer back to it and also because the information is SO useful!

http://jezebel.com/dear-new-intern-dont-be-the-intern-your-fellow-intern-509124948

Chasmosaur100Kaizykat

6

I had a volunteer internship at the Smithsonian when I was in college. There was an official program at the time (not sure about now), but living in NoVa and being a Geology major, I simply called one of the Natural History departments the summer after my freshman year and asked if anyone needed a volunteer college student to help out. And this is the part where I'm going to concede my experience is different than those who apply through official programs...the ones who applied and competed to be there. And were paid a pittance to be there. But all the other stuff - getting the experience, hoping to work there eventually - all that still applied.

Since I didn't get paid like the other interns (something I sense is rare now - the payment part that is), I didn't let myself become a doormat from the get go. I was very clear that I worked evenings in my summer job, so I could be at the museum between X a.m. - Y p.m. on A, B, and C days of the week. It made it clear that it wasn't I didn't want to spend more time there, but I was volunteering and still needed to make some green. And since I wasn't getting a parking permit, either, I had to take the Metro, so my schedule needed to be respected.
The scientists I worked with were just so happy to have some student labor - labor that was happy enough to do the routine stuff that was in many respects a waste of their time but needed actual in-person attention - they were absolutely fine with my requirements. And when I was there, I listened, learned fast, and did exactly what was asked of me.
But I was still me - I spoke my mind (politely), and made a few jokes here and there. I didn't really gossip because a lot of the work they gave me had me in closed labs, so I was usually out of the flow of things. (Memorably closed the day they had me using huge amounts of rubber cement to make a microphotography photomosaic...for 3 hours... ;) ) But I ate my lunch in the break room and got to know people. So much so that two other scientists claimed me to work in their labs when I ran out of things to do for the first scientist who took me on.
I parlayed that first phone call into a really solid relationship with several staff members, simply by setting my boundaries and doing exactly what they asked me to do. I was happy to learn and be exposed to some seriously awesome stuff - I felt that was enough. And when I applied to graduate school, I had multiple glowing recommendation letters on Smithsonian letter head - they helped push me to the top of several programs, despite coming from a good school, but an uncelebrated one. (And as a bonus, one scientist took me on a three-week research trip with his team the summer before my senior year - really advanced field work most college students don't get to do. It was awesome.)
You don't have to be a doormat. But you do have to understand that as an intern, you are there to do entry level work, and otherwise just look around and ask intelligent questions based on your observations. You are not there to change the company, and you are the lowest person on the totem pole. Doesn't matter if you're the top of your class - I was where I went to school, and it meant precisely jack shit in that environment. (Well, it did mean I was smart enough to understand what these professionals were saying, or to ask the right questions when I didn't, that's about it.)
And if you think they really are just walking all over you and actually being unfair, then you gain some knowledge, too...what to look for in a future workplace. Because you will better be able to observe office politics, even at a glance, or hear what's going on underneath any conversation you have with your interviewers.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-harke/unpaid-internships_b_2194272.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/her-campus/5-things-you-must-do-befo_b_3536410.html

http://www.internqueen.com/blog/2013/04/art-networking

http://www.internqueen.com/blog/2012/07/3-ways-spend-down-time-your-internship

http://www.youtern.com/thesavvyintern/index.php/2013/06/26/6-tips-to-get-the-most-from-a-summer-internship/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brazen-life/rock-your-next-internship_b_2279096.html

http://www.levoleague.com/career-advice/how-make-most-of-your-summer-internship/

Update & Return

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last writing.

I have now gotten through my first month of my last year at MIT. What a strange contrast! I have a full load of classes. A lot of reading and writing to manage along with a lab class.

I have settled into my new apartment and am happily living alone, closing a strange saga of dorm-apartment life. Well, I say alone, but my little fluff is always here. She has also adapted to her new home.

[caption id="attachment_380" align="alignleft" width="219"] My cat lying on the floor (rather than one of her beds) with 3 of her toys placed on her side (and another in the background)[/caption]

I am also working in the Wunsch Conservation lab. I'm extraordinarily grateful to have the opportunity to watch the book and paper conservators there work magic! Really, I would encourage everyone to explore some of the treasures that the MIT Libraries have treasured away. I will share how a small thing turned into such a great work connection!

Of course, I also have my struggles. These struggles have made it difficult for me to write here. The transitions with moving and starting the course work are very stressful for me - as life is, with one stress comes a whole handful. There has been drama about closing out the summer; there is drama about getting to know a new set of people in the fall. I don't know how to describe the worries that I have, emotionally, based on my past, and now looking forward at graduation. I don't know if I'm ready to share them in a coherent way here.

I would like to keep writing here, being candid with you and creating a space where I share and support improvement. I know that I will have ups and downs. There will be times where it may seem impossible to me to be able to sit down and share what I am going through. But I would like to try. Because writing here is I think about careful self care and accountability. 

A Manipulative Person: Examples of Evasion and Victimization

Diversion and evasion are two effective means of deflecting concern or confrontation about problem behaviors. It is axiomatic that the person using these tactics has no intention whatsoever of taking responsibility for a behavior or of considering changing it. Rather than be accountable and responsible, what the issue-dodger and subject-changer really wants to do is to advance their own agenda at the expense of yours while simultaneously managing your impression of them. 

All of the quotes are from this amazing article: Evasion and Diversion. 

I'm working through some of the instances of a flawed friendship using this article as a framework.
It's amazingly instructive to write down things that have happened, especially when dealing with depression or other mood disorders. A large part of therapy is introspection, checking that your perception of reality is trust worthy. Dishonest, manipulative, or cruel people may use this aspect of mental health to try and distort your perception and memory of reality. Especially in confrontations of bad behavior, they may try to evade and divert, often denying objective reality [where they purposefully hurt you] for emotional twists and turns [where you become defensive or question yourself].



I had put up with a number of backhanded compliments such as in speaking of not displaying one of the portraits I had painted: "You know you're no good at portraits. You're alright at landscapes." After my flatmate said something particularly cruel, I brought up the problem: 

'Don't insult me in my own home. It's a waste of both our time.'

Her response 'You are the most negative person I know! I feel like I don't even know you! You never take responsibility for your actions! Leave me alone! I just want to move out!'

Many times, attention is shifted toward the person trying to bring a problem behavior to light, thus effectively not only throwing that person on the defensive, but also prompting them to lose focus and become derailed in their pursuit of their own agenda.

'The negative person' comment is meant to make me feel defensive due to my depression. Of course, I'm not ashamed of my depression - I write about it and am working on it. I also know that I'm doing better. To say something like this, meant to hurt me and maybe even trigger me, didn't do anything when I knew the words were totally false. Similarly, I'm not ashamed of the fact that I'm changing. Everyone else recognizes and has encouraged my healthy growth.

When I said that was too bad that she felt that way, rather than being hurt by it, she changed tactics. She said that I didn't put any effort in our friendship, that I took things for granted. Again she was trying to change the focus to my failings when she had just insulted me at our dining room table. When I pointed out that we had just left an event about planning for graduate school in the future where I had asked her about her career goals and said that it was a good idea to work for them, she tried to turn it around again. 

She described my negativity as basically being PC police. That I called her out on referring to her bf's hiking trip and decision to pursue higher education as a vision quest and a revelation of a spirit animal. She said I've become a negative person and she has to watch what she says around me.

It's funny that she says she doesn't know me while also this is a change. How can you recognize a change if you knew nothing about the situation before? Also I have run a tumblr blog for years now; I have always written about not using racial slurs and concerns about appropriation. More so, she misrepresented what happened. She claimed a conversation that took place on the last 5 minutes of a walk home was a half hour of yelling. It's hilarious the lies people will tell when it is so easy to verify the truth. It's even more hilarious how a positive trait - being unwilling to tolerate harmful racism - was meant to be a negative. 

If you try to confront an issue head on, a person who wants to manipulate you will do their best to side-step the issue. Evading a matter of central concern is a great way not only to dodge responsibility, but also to keep the light of illumination from shining on the behavior needing attention.

More so, I asked 'So you don't want me to talk to you? I may mess up at first because I considered you a friend and I'm used to talking to you. I also can't only be in my room because I don't get internet there. But I will try not to speak to you' to clarify what she wanted and what I should do.

'Just leave me alone! Stop talking to me!'

She abruptly ended the conversation when I was stepping forward to solve both her and my problem. She showed her hand. She wasn't actually concerned with actions nor even acknowledging that her needs were heard.

Her goal was not to fix a problem, not of me being negative nor of her trying to repair the friendship.
The goal was to put me down and back on the defensive. 

When it was clear that I was focused on accountability and actions that would work for both of us, she wanted to exit the conversation as quickly - and dramatically - as possible.